I’m a little behind on posting this time around because I recently lost someone very dear to me: my beloved eighteen-year-old cat, Freyja.
She came into my life as a four-week-old, half-pound runt found by a friend in a parking lot, no mother or siblings to be seen. My friend called everyone she knew, but no one could take in this little kitten. She finally reached out to me, and my brother and I agreed to take her.
She was so tiny and very sick. I tried to bottle-feed her kitten formula, but she wouldn’t eat a thing, so I took her to the vet. It turned out she had ear mites and an upper respiratory infection. The vet said they’d put her in an incubator for the weekend, but they weren’t sure if she would make it. I was devastated as I’d already grown attached to this frail little girl.
But thankfully, the vet called me the following Monday to happily tell me that Freyja finally ate some food and pooped for the first time. I never thought I’d be so excited to hear about a kitten pooping, but I really was.
From then on, she was always by my side whenever I was home. She wasn’t content to just sit on the floor next to me. Instead, she would climb up my leg with her tiny claws until she reached my neck and snuggled in.
And she stayed small. I don’t think she ever made it over five pounds. But as petite as she was, she wasn’t afraid to voice her opinion.
We went through many different life phases together and have lived in five different homes, some of which included roommates’ dogs that Freyja wasn’t too thrilled about. But she knew I was doing the best I could for her despite my underwhelming income and the necessity of being away from home for long hours (working two jobs and going to grad school at night). She and I both knew things would get better eventually.
When she was just over a year old, I met my now-husband—a fellow cat lover—and Freyja gave him her stamp of approval. It felt so good when we moved in together and could finally give her a quiet, peaceful home free of barking dogs.
Over the years, we’ve rescued several other cats, and although she never really bonded much with them (other than occasionally allowing them to sleep next to her), Freyja was always my little buddy.
She sat on the bathroom sink while I got ready for work and played with my makeup brushes.
When I got into bed at night, she’d burrow under the covers and snuggle up with me, resting her little head on my arm.
And if I broke out the yoga mat, forget it! She wouldn’t miss a chance to sit next to me—or on me—while I tried to do yoga poses or meditate. I know it’s not recommended that you lie down during meditation (probably to prevent you from falling asleep), but I did, and I’d often wake up with her sleeping on my stomach.
By now, you may be wondering what the heck this all has to do with chronic illness, being that it’s the main topic of this blog.
Well, I’d have to say that as someone who’s dealt with chronic fatigue, anxiety, depression, trauma, financial stress, and other uphill battles, this tiny but mighty cat was by my side the whole way and demonstrated resilience despite her rocky start. She never gave up. She even outlived two of our other cats, who, sadly, passed due to liver failure at four and seven years old.
She savored time basking in the sun. She absolutely loved treats. She pushed her way to the front of the line when it was feeding time (we were up to a total of four cats, all much bigger than she was). She walked around carrying a pom-pom in her mouth that was the size of her head.
And she was the first one to hop up on the couch and cuddle with me whenever I sat down to read or watch TV or lie down to take a nap.
I call her my miracle baby because she defied the odds and even managed to live well beyond the average lifespan for a cat.
To me, her message was that no matter what your challenges are, you continue to fight, but don’t forget to enjoy the blessings.
If you’re struggling with chronic fatigue or other chronic illnesses, don’t ever give up hope of feeling better. And don’t let your symptoms overshadow the little things in life.
There are so many beautiful little moments that we miss because we’re too busy or too tired or too stressed. Or we’re angry about our limitations and forget about what is within our power and what we’re capable of.
Dealing with Pet Loss Grief When You Have a Chronic Illness
It’s hard enough to cope with grief when you don’t already have a chronic condition like chronic fatigue. That makes it even more important to take really good care of yourself. While you can’t make grief go away, and you shouldn’t feel pressured to do that anyway, there are some things you can do to help yourself through the process of grieving while also managing a chronic illness.
Here are some things that have been helping me:
Reach Out to Others for Support
You don’t have to grieve by yourself. I know it can be hard, and you may not want to talk to anyone because you’re so upset, and you just want to curl up in a ball under the covers and cry until you fall asleep.
While you should allow yourself to grieve in whatever way works for you, please don’t forget that you can lean on others for support.
Many people in your life have probably already experienced what you’re going through, and they can be there to listen if that’s what you want or to share what helped them get through it.
Knowing you’re not alone in feeling deep emotional pain at the loss of a beloved pet can help you feel more connected to others. And the thoughtfulness and kindness of others can warm your heart at a time when you need it most.
Educate Yourself about Pet Loss Grief
I lost two other cats years ago, both from liver failure. Two mistakes I made while grieving were drinking to numb myself and not learning more about the grief process.
I had no idea that what I was feeling was perfectly normal. I consider myself to be a highly sensitive person (HSP), and I cry very easily, so I just attributed my buckets of tears to my being overly emotional. I didn’t think other people did that, so I was pretty embarrassed and just tried to cry in private. When I went out with friends or family, I would drink to forget my pain and try to function in a way I considered to be normal.
This time, for some reason, it occurred to me to do a Google search on pet loss grief. And what an eye-opener that was.
I realized that everything I was experiencing was completely 100% normal. And while it didn’t stop the tears, it did provide a sense of relief. It’s simply a part of being human, loving another being with all your heart, and losing them.
I also learned that grief is not linear.
So, while it can get easier with time, and you may go one day without your eyes welling up at the thought of your deceased pet, the waterworks can turn right back on the following day when you see something that reminds you of them.
That doesn’t mean you’re regressing in the grief process. There are ups and downs, and it’s okay to feel them all.
I had to make the heart-wrenching decision to put my beloved furbaby to sleep, which added another layer of complication to grief. A Reddit subthread on pet loss led me to this video that helped provide some comfort.
Honestly, I can’t recommend it enough if you’re dealing with pet loss grief, especially if euthanasia was involved. This woman is an absolute angel, and she presents the subject so honestly yet so eloquently. Keep some tissues nearby—it’s a tearjerker.
Double Down on Self-Compassion
When you have a chronic illness, you should practice a healthy dose of self-compassion daily. Add grief to the mix, and you need to be extra vigilant about showing yourself some compassion.
Some people find that work serves as a temporary distraction from their grief. If you enjoy your job, then interacting with coworkers, clients, or customers could provide some positive, uplifting interactions. If that works for you, that’s great.
But on the flip side, if you’re staring at your computer screen and just can’t function, allow yourself to take some time off from work. If you can’t bear the thought of leaving your house and being around others without melting down, see if you can use some personal time.
Not everyone has the flexibility to take time off, but if you do, use it.
Then, do lots of nice things for yourself:
- Eat your favorite foods, watch your favorite movies or shows, and spend time with those you’re comfortable being around when feeling vulnerable.
- Give yourself as much time as possible to rest. Chronic health conditions can disrupt your sleep, and grief can exacerbate the situation.
- Do what you can to soothe your mind in the evening to help facilitate sleep. Taking a warm bath is always great, especially with a little lavender oil, for an extra calming effect. Sleep meditations can help quite a bit—there are even some available specifically for grief.
- I know this isn’t very popular advice since many of us are glued to our phones, but ditching digital devices for an hour before bed can make a difference. It’s easier to do this if you fill that time with something enjoyable, like reading a book, journaling, or doing a bedtime yoga session.
- If you have other pets, invest in some extra playtime and cuddles. Chances are they are also grieving alongside you, so it will be beneficial for both of you.
While distraction can be helpful at times, keep in mind that you’re not trying to forget about your grief permanently. There is a time and place for distraction and a time to feel your grief and work through it so you can process it fully.
Practice Gratitude
I know you’ve probably seen this advice a million times in self-help books and motivational posts from social media influencers. I haven’t been consistent with a gratitude practice, but I am finding it to be helpful during the grieving process.
Since you’ve lost someone so dear to you, it can be tough to focus on the things you appreciate about your life. So, while you can list all the things you are grateful for in general, you might find it more comforting to focus on gratitude toward your dearly departed pet.
You can list on paper, in your head, or in a Google doc all the things you appreciate about them. All the good memories you had, all the funny moments, all the little things that maybe frustrated you at the time but you now find endearing.
Practicing gratitude helps you get out of the trap of ruminating over things you did or didn’t say or do when they were alive. It helps you to stop second-guessing whether you were the best pet mom or dad you could be. It helps stop the negative cycle of guilt that I discovered is another normal part of the grieving process.
Each day, you’ll probably think of more moments you shared with them and add to the list of things that can make you smile as you remember all those precious moments.
Calm Your Nervous System
When you’ve got a chronic illness, your nervous system might be out of whack. A traumatic event like losing a loved one can feel like it’s going to put you over the edge, like it’s more than your poor nervous system can handle.
Doing what you can to soothe your nervous system can be crucial for preventing a complete breakdown as you go through the grieving process.
I mentioned meditation before, but I can’t emphasize enough how helpful this can be. After meditating, I always feel a little better than before. This meditation for pet loss and grief is lovely.
I understand that meditation doesn’t appeal to everyone, but there are many ways to enjoy this benefit, so I highly recommend trying different methods to find one that resonates.
As part of chronic fatigue, I have some wicked brain fog that can make it difficult for me to stay focused on meditation at times. Using a slightly more active form of meditation can be helpful in this situation:
- The Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), also known as tapping meditation, is a different form of meditation in which you’re not expected to clear your mind, which can be quite difficult for some of us. Instead, you listen to and repeat different words or phrases while tapping a series of points on your body. Here’s a guided EFT tapping session for pet loss grief that I found very helpful.
- If you can walk, you may want to try a walking meditation. This is especially enjoyable out in nature if you have access. A memorial walk is a great way to honor your beloved pet and include a more active meditative component to healing from pet loss grief.
- Breathing exercises, particularly alternate nostril breathing, are especially soothing. I particularly like this one by Yoga with Adriene. You can also check out my basic instructions for box breathing in this post.
Taking some time each day to soothe your nervous system can help you through the grieving process, so you are less likely to experience an energy crash. Give these options a try to see which ones work best for you.
Final Thoughts on Pet Loss Grief
Use this experience to remind you that life is short, and we all too often take for granted the time we have with those we care about.
Practice more love and compassion in your everyday life. Try to be more present when in the company of others, including your pets. Put your phone down, look at them, and really pay attention. And make sure to say I love you more often.
Life is so precious—let’s not squander it.
