When you have a chronic health condition like chronic fatigue syndrome, it can be easy to complain about how it interferes with your life. Of course, it’s understandable that you may want to vent your frustration—it sucks when your health gets in the way of doing the things you want to do.
But at what point does healthy venting transition to arguing for your limitations?
The Good and Bad of Venting
According to the American Heart Association (AHA), venting can help release stress. So, if you’re feeling stressed about your health condition—which is perfectly understandable—you might need to express your frustration to prevent stress from building up.
However, the AHA also points out that venting can be counterproductive if the conversation ends up making you feel even worse rather than providing relief.
Then there’s the risk of arguing for your limitations, essentially keeping yourself stuck by coming up with reasons why things can never improve for you.
“Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours.” ~Richard Bach
Let that quote sink in for a bit. . . .
Venting in Online Forums for Chronic Health Conditions
I started thinking about this after I came across an online group for people with chronic fatigue syndrome. I felt that joining this group would be a great way to interact with others with similar challenges and share inspiration for what works to help us get through difficult times.
But instead of a supportive community, what I found were people arguing with one another over who really did or did not have CFS based on their physical abilities. It saddens me to think that what should have been an opportunity to sympathize with or uplift others was instead used to bash anyone who was not as impaired.
Has it really come to this? Are people with chronic health conditions really competing to see who has it the worst? It’s a very unfortunate form of oneupmanship, and I want no part of it.
I understand that some people have such severe forms of their condition that their everyday functioning is drastically limited. And while they should vent (in moderation) about how it impacts their life, it shouldn’t turn into lashing out at others who are less impaired—they have a right to vent, too.
How to Know If Your Venting Is Toxic
A little venting now and then can help get things out of your system so they don’t simmer under the surface, only to boil over at the most inopportune time. But if your venting sessions become toxic, they might make matters worse—for you and your listeners. Here are a few signs that venting may have crept into harmful territory:
- Whenever your listener suggests possible solutions, you instantly react by saying something like, “I can’t because…” or “That won’t work because…”
- You often feel like venting but never consider thinking about what is in your power to improve how you feel.
- You usually feel worse after venting.
- You notice that people start pulling away from you or becoming less available for conversations.
- Your venting sessions often turn argumentative.
Everyone needs someone to talk to when they’re struggling, so it’s not a bad thing to want to talk to others about what you’re going through.
What to Do Instead
You don’t have to stop venting altogether, but there are some helpful strategies to prevent toxic venting from destroying your mental health and relationships:
1. Think about what you hope to get out of each venting session.
Are you just looking to get something off your chest? If so, let your listener know that you’re not in the mood for solutions, but give yourself a time limit, and then move on to something else.
2. Practice being more open to solutions.
Venting for the purpose of expressing anger or frustration has its place, but it doesn’t serve you well if you never use it as a springboard for brainstorming ideas on how to improve your situation. Not all of the suggestions others give may vibe with your needs, but at least give them some thought before dismissing them.
3. Enroll in therapy.
A therapist allows you to vent but knows when it is time to steer you toward problem-solving and empowerment so you don’t get stuck in the downward spiral of toxic venting.
Knowing your venting limits, turning venting into an open-minded problem-solving opportunity, and enlisting the help of mental health professionals can preserve your relationships with others and give you a greater sense of control over your quality of life.
Chronic Health Conditions Are Different for Everyone
I think we all need to recognize that there are different levels of chronic fatigue or other health conditions. Some people have mild forms, while others struggle with a much more severe form.
But just because someone isn’t bedridden doesn’t mean they aren’t still struggling themselves. And it also doesn’t mean that they don’t actually have CFS or fibromyalgia or any of the multitude of autoimmune conditions that sap your energy or leave you feeling unwell.
That’s like telling a person with cancer who didn’t lose their hair that they didn’t really have cancer. It’s an insensitive assumption.
Focus on Your Journey to Feeling Better
Another thing that needs to be pointed out is that what works for one person may not work for another. One very important thing I learned while studying with the Institute for Integrative Nutrition was that bio-individuality is key. We are all different, so there’s no one diet or lifestyle that will work for every single person.
I think this is especially evident in the case of autoimmune conditions, many of which are elusive. For example, chronic fatigue syndrome still isn’t recognized as a valid medical condition by some people, including some in the medical profession. Thankfully, more research is being done on the subject, but there isn’t a cure. There isn’t even a reliable protocol that people with CFS can rely on to feel better.
The best we can do is to experiment with different strategies and see how they make us feel. We are our own best researchers, so don’t rely solely on what one doctor or one person in an online forum tells you to do.
Instead, get curious about yourself and try different techniques. Learn from what others with similar struggles have bound to be helpful, and give it a try. If it doesn’t work, try something else.
And if you find something that works, stick with it. Share it with others. But don’t make the mistake of assuming that what works for you is best for everyone else, too.
Be open to discussion, and please be kind. We could all use a little more kindness in our lives. 💗
